


Diary of a Nobody

by Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku



Category: Durarara!!, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But can be read alone, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Fem!Harry, Gen, Humor, Jasmine trolling back, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Deathly Hallows AU, part of the Great Expectations universe, references to other anime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-18 16:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11294298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku/pseuds/Kuroyuki_Kokuyoku
Summary: After the war, Jasmine moved to Ikebukuro and got a job at Russia Sushi. While her time in Japan didn’t last very long, the people she encounters during her stay are…very memorable.(10/30/17) IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ON MY FANFICTION.NET PROFILE!!! I'm really sorry to have to do this to all of you...





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Xenocanaan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenocanaan/gifts).



After the Second Wizarding War in England, Jasmine Potter, now renowned as the Woman-Who-Conquered, decided to start a new life outside of her home country. With how much unwanted attention she had been getting as of late, this proven to be smart decision on her part. In order to avoid any of her stalkers looking to disrupt any chance she had at a peaceful life, she changed her name to Jasmine Katherine Rowling and took to the Muggle world for a long, extended overseas “vacation.”

Years later and having already traveled to dozens of countries, she finally settled down in Ikebukuro, Japan and got a job in an eccentric sushi restaurant named Russia Sushi. There, nineteen-year-old “JK-chan” quickly got acquainted with many of the restaurants famous regulars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to dedicate this new story to xenocanaan, whose review a while back had inspired me to create this masterpiece. Consider this my gift to you~
> 
> Before I forget, allow me to thank all the readers who’ve liked my stories. I appreciate every single favorite, follow, and review. Your support matters a lot to me〜〜( ﾉ￣U￣) ﾉ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*


	2. First Customer: Izaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MamaBear!Jasmine returns. Izaya's gintama gets threatened. （ ´థ౪థ）

The moment Orihara Izaya strolled through the doors of the restaurant, the first thing Jasmine noticed about the man was that there was something about him that made her want to cave his skull in with the heaviest object she could find on short notice.

“Yo, Simon, is she your new employee?” He said to the Russian amicably.

“Oh, Izaya-kun. You mean JK-chan. She is very nice girl. Customers like her very much. You want JK-chan to take your order?” The large, black man asked.

Izaya smirked as he took a seat at a table. “Of course. What kind of straight, hot-blooded man would ever say no to being served by a cute waitress?” Actually, he didn’t just come for sushi. He was here because when he looked into this “Rowling Jasmine Katherine”, her profile was suspiciously lacking in her childhood years.

Up until her eleventh year, the woman had an unnoticeable childhood, though there were instances here and there where he suspected child neglect was at play while under the care of her maternal aunt’s family, thus possibly explaining her small stature. It was after her eleventh birthday that things got interesting. Jasmine had suddenly dropped off the map after that time as if she suddenly stopped existing only to reappear during the summer. This went on until near her eighteenth birthday where she resurfaced as an author of an increasingly popular children’s book series about an ordinary boy who finds out he was a wizard and then goes to a magical school, where he experiences all sorts of adventures.

The only thing he could scrounge up on what the Russia Sushi waitress did during those years is an off-handed quote from one of residents of her previous neighborhood. According to them, Jasmine attended St Brutus' Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Children, which was an improvement for the “poor, struggling Dursleys who were always burdened by their worthless, ungrateful, waste-of-space of a niece.” Needless to say, he didn’t buy the bullshit. Even so a quick entry in Google revealed that the institution was for _boys_ not children. Clearly, this group of humans has never heard of the internet.

Just then, the woman in question came by carrying a tray with a cup of tea on it. “Welcome to Russia Sushi, okyakusama. May I please take your order?” The restaurant’s only waitress asked with a friendly smile on her face as she dropped off his complimentary drink.

“Well, what do you recommend, milady? Although I must say your Japanese is very good for someone born and raised in jolly old England.” Izaya commented with a knowing look on his face.

Jasmine’s warm smile froze, but she didn’t say anything. After a short pause, she asked, “Izaya…san? Is it?”

“Come now, don’t be so formal with me. After all, we’re already acquainted with each other. Just simply Izaya-kun shall suffice.” The brunet said to her casually.

The young woman slightly twitched before replying stiffly. “…Have it your way…Izaya-kun.”

“You know, little Edward Lupin is a very cute boy. You must be very proud to be a mother to such a wonderful child.” The infobroker remarked as he watched her carefully to see her reaction. “Granted, you didn’t give birth to him yourself, but that matters little consideri-”

“One order of fried chicken sushi and three orders of cream cheese special it is~!” The young mother suddenly interrupted him with a cheerful demeanor.

“Coming right up!” Simon hollered back from the kitchen.

Jasmine bowed at their customer respectfully and walked away. She then dropped off her empty tray to pick up a stack of flyers to pass out.

Stopping in front of the exit, she said, “By the way…Izaya-kun…let me make this clear between us…I personally don’t care that you like to mind games with me. You can bother me all you want and say whatever you want to me. Nothing you bring up will matter because being a trolling dick doesn’t make yours any bigger… However…”

Jasmine turned around to look at him with a menacing look in her eyes. The atmosphere of the restaurant was engulfed in her bloodlust. “ **The moment you involve _my son_ in your little games, I will make Rocky Mountain oyster sushi out of you. _I~ZA~YA~KUN~._** ” Then she left out the door to go advertise the sushi restaurant.

After that, Izaya continued to drop by Russia Sushi whenever he’s in the neighborhood to bother her, but even he knew better than to breathe a single threatening word about Teddy ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone doesn’t know what Rocky Mountain oysters are, I dare you to google it and imagine Jasmine gleefully serving that up to Shizuo for shit and giggles should Izaya ever “tickle the sleeping dragon…with a hot poker.”
> 
> Okyakusama: For those of you wondering, this word means “guest” or “customer”.


	3. Second Customer: Shizuo and Tom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bromance over roasting your enemy.

Heiwajima Shizuo was someone she had bonded over their mutual dislike (hatred in Shizuo’s case) of Izaya. They even went as far to swap blackmail stories so they can collaborate in getting back at him.

“Are you serious? He’s afraid of fish eyes?” Shizuo asked Jasmine in disbelief.

“No, it’s true. Just the other day, I served him our newest menu item, tuna eyeball sushi. He didn’t even touch them, let alone even looked at his food. When he thought no one was looking, he used slight of hand to hide them somewhere on his person and then walked right out shortly after paying.” The petite waitress described what she saw before leaning in like she was sharing a conspiracy. She quietly added, “Although later on, I stumbled upon some very happy cats in the front of the restaurant after I got off from work.”

The thought of his arch nemesis being scared over a fish’s body part sent him roaring with laughter. He never realized that Izaya had such a weakness, but then again, it’s not like he ever got to know that insufferable troll.

Later on, while Jasmine was grocery shopping on her day off, she heard a rather girlish scream and looked up to see a man flying down towards her at a rapid rate. Thanks to her Seeker-refined reflexes, the young woman was able to step aside just in time for the man to hit narrowly avoid colliding with her. She then heard the sound of running footsteps approaching and turned to see Shizuo and his employer, Tanaka Tom.

“Hard day at work, boys?” The young woman chirped at them with a friendly smile as if there isn’t a crumpled mess of a man painfully groaning at her feet.

“Uh…yeah, sure…Um, are you okay, JK-chan?” Tom asked in both bewilderment and concern at her behavior.

“I’m perfectly fine. Why?” Jasmine blinked, not understanding what Tom was trying to convey.

“It’s just… Most people are… Women typically…” The deadlocked debt collector tried to explain.

“Yes?” The petite witch chirped, patiently waiting for him to explain.

“You know what, never mind!” Shizuo interrupted and grabbed their target by the back of the neck and walked off with Tom following suit.

This wasn’t the first time they witnessed Jasmine’s nonchalant reaction to the violent reactions of the strongest man in Ikebukuro. During one of Izaya and Shizuo’s infamous clashes, Jasmine can be seen in the audience cheering the taller man on all while tossing witty and profane insults towards the infobroker. She even pulled out a freaking huge-ass megaphone out of her purse and somehow made a giant flag with the black-haired man’s X-ed out face appear out of nowhere!!

What the actually fuck??!!! When did life suddenly turn into an anime?!!

“Why am I not freaking out, you ask? It’s because I’ve seen crazier stuff back home. This is nothing~!” The Russia Sushi waitress replied merrily.

The bartender-clad man and the petite waitress exchanged contact info shortly after. Rumors began to spread about them dating only to stop cold once they’ve reached the “supposed couple’s” ears. Unsurprisingly, the dyed-blond man went on another rampage while the young woman seemingly did nothing.

At least people _assumed_ she had done nothing until the instigators of the rumors were found strung up in a park in just their underwear and covered head to toe in eye-gougingly, neon-bright colors with British insults written out in glitter.

Even after Jasmine had moved out of Japan, they still occasionally contacted each other via texting. Though Shizuo does occasionally complain about Tom teasing him about their “long-distance relationship”, no matter how many times he’s pointed out that his relationship with the young woman was comparable to his friendship with Celty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I imagine Jasmine’s relationship with Shizuo is a lot similar to his friendship with Celty. She’s not afraid of Shizuo’s strength, nor is she very normal. *cough* Witch. *cough* It also helps that he can spend time with her roasting Izaya.


	4. Third Customer: Kyouhei, Saburo, Erika, and Walker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JK-chan looks just like...

“I’m telling you, it’s has to be Tomoko!! Not only are their heights the same, if you put her in a school uniform, I can guarantee that she’s a spitting image of her!” Karisawa Erika argued to the person in front of her.

“Wrong! Her hips are _way_ bigger than Tomoko’s, and her hair is too curly so your suggestion merely superficial. If anything she looks exactly like a genderbent Yuu!” Yumasaki Walker insisted before gushing, “Now all that’s left is a genderbent Mika to complete the yuri version of MikaYuu~!”

“I DISAGREE!!!” The girl yelled back angrily over the desecration of one of her favorite yaoi pairings.

“Um…Sh-Should I come back later for your orders?” Jasmine sweatdropped as the two otakus continued to bicker over which anime character she resembled.

Kadota Kyouhei let out a long-suffering sigh. “Good grief. Those two are gonna be at it for a while. You might as well take ours now and come back for theirs later.”

“We might as well make them pay for everything while we’re at it. Considering how into they are in their little discussion, we might be here until closing time at this rate.” Togusa Saburo commented as he took a mouthful of his tea.

The next time the group visited, Walker and Erika brought her a black kimono with floral designs, demanding that she change out of her work uniform and put it on. Somehow the duo managed to convince Dennis to let it be her “Enma Ai cosplay” be her uniform for the rest of the day. Something about “moe Yamato nadeshiko appeal”. At first, Jasmine didn’t expect a little wardrobe change to be much of an impact on their small customer base, however she later was proven wrong.

Customers began pouring in by the droves. For the first time in a long while, they were actually out of stock of food by the end of the day. After that, it was decided that their sole female employee is required to come to work wearing kimonos from now on, much to her exasperation.

Even if all the attention she was getting was annoying, at least the kimonos are pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And by the time Jasmine left Ikebukuro, Erika has converted a new sister to the cult of fujoshi~ Muhahahaha~ (亝艸亝)


	5. Fourth Customer: Shinra and Celty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So a doctor and a Dullahan walks into a sushi restaurant...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Speaking.”  
> [Celty “Talking”.]

Fourth Customer: Shinra and Celty

When one lives in Ikebukuro, it’s almost impossible not to hear about the Headless Rider. If you’re lucky, you can catch a glimpse of the “urban legend”. Actually meeting said legend is an entirely different experience.

Kishitani Shinra and Celty Sturluson had decided to visit Russia Sushi for their anniversary date and reserved a private room to celebrate. The moment both females met each other, they automatically sensed there was something abnormal about the other.

For Jasmine, her magic immediately picked up on the touch of death wafting from Celty. The Headless Rider herself, on the other hand, felt strong pulses of magic coming from Russia Sushi’s sole waitress. Both of them recognized a sense of familiarity that they couldn’t quite put their finger on. However, their suspicions were satisfied when Jasmine came into the room to get their orders just as Celty took off her helmet.

Upon seeing that their customer was missing a head and black smoke emitting from the neck stump, instead of being shocked or afraid of her like most people, Jasmine simply remarked, “Oh, so you’re a Dullahan. That explains why I thought you ‘felt’ different to me. But…where’s your head? I’ve never seen a Dullahan without their head before.”

This made Celty yank out her phone and typed out her reply furiously, [WAIT! You’ve seen a Dullahan before? When? Where? And what can you tell me?]

“Um…ah…that is…I may have…had tea with a whole clan of them…I…uh…well…secrets…” The waitress trailed off as she tried to reply. awkwardly but couldn’t say anything due to the presence of the fairy’s Muggle lover.

Realizing her problem, Shinra was able to deduce why the young woman was so reluctant to explain herself. “You’re a witch!” He proclaimed triumphantly, much to the small waitress’ shock.

“You know if you’re talking about the Wizarding World, then feel free to talk. Your people’s Statute of Secrecy doesn’t apply to Ikebukuro because…well, it’s Ikebukuro.” To be honest, one can get away with doing all sorts of stuff in the city. You can be a wizard turning pigeons into furniture for shits and giggles and people will automatically assume you’re a street magician.

When Celty first came to Japan thanks to Shinra and his father smuggling the Dullahan into the country, their family were visited by representatives of the Japanese Ministry of Magic. Normally, Celty would’ve been taken away by them and their memories of her and the existence of the supernatural would’ve been erased, but since they were living in an unpredictable city like Ikebukuro, they took that into account. And so they were allowed to be left alone after filling out some paperwork that identified Celty as a Magical Being legally living in Japan.

Jasmine stared at the underground doctor suspiciously for a while before finally deciding something about him. She sighed and gave into the Dullahan’s silent pleading. “Alright then. Celty-san, how much do you know about the current events of the Wizarding World?”

The headless woman paused briefly as she thought the question over. [Not very much, since I tend to stick around the human world rather than the magical world. Occasionally, I visit the Ministry every now and then to see if my head happens to turn up. But what does that have to do with your relationship with Dullahans.]

“A couple of years ago, Magical England broke out into the Second Wizarding War. It was over blood supremacy, and many magical species got caught up in the war. The Dullahans of Ireland weren’t really affected, but they were called in after the war to help us prevent rogue Dementors left over from the enemy’s reign to devour the wandering souls of the dead and of the living.” The young woman explained.

Since the Irish fairies were considered to be messengers of death, they naturally viewed the Dementors as abominations of nature itself. As a result, they have a compulsion to lash out and completely annihilate any and all Dementors that dare cross its path. It’s been surmised by Unspeakables that their negative reaction to the species is due to the fairies’ instinctive need to safeguard the souls they are guiding to the afterlife. With the workload significantly lessened thanks to their help, the British Ministry was able to focus more on rebuilding after the war and even stopped using the volatile dark creatures as guards for Azkaban.

“Dementors, huh? That sounds scary.” Shinra commented.

[Back in Ireland, we refer to them as the Sluagh. They suck out your souls, leaving your body an empty husk. I don’t know what happens to the souls after they’ve been eaten by those things, but I do know that once that happens, the person’s soul stays in Limbo forever, never to enter the afterlife for the rest of eternity.] Celty explained to her boyfriend.

“Surprisingly enough, a lot of us actually ended up getting along with the Dullahans. You’d be surprised on how sociable they all are, once you get past all the grisly stories about them.” Jasmine chimed in.

After that, the petite witch quickly became another one of Celty’s close female friends next to Anri. The three women would occasionally have a girls’ night out together with Celty leaving behind her bemoaning lover.

Not wanting to feel left out, Shinra called up his two (and only) friends, Izaya and Shizuo. Needless to say, neither of them wanted to have a guys’ night with their worst enemy so a rejected underground doctor made his way over to Russia Sushi and proceeded to drink and eat his sorrows away.

Fortunately, Kyohei’s group was there to keep him company (and drag him back to Celty). Unfortunately (for Jasmine), they found out about the Russia Sushi waitress being a witch.

When Jasmine finally found out the reason why her usual kimonos were switched out with magical girl cosplay, let’s just say that a gender-swapping potion found its way into Shinra’s tea the next time he visited Russia Sushi. Now he can join in on Celty’s girl nights all he wants for the rest of that month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Shinra…wait till you get Mother Nature’s monthly present~


	6. Fifth Customer: Shizuo and Izaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasmine can be a scary woman at times...

“I just thought up an idea,” Jasmine announced after listening to Shizuo’s bitching about Izaya. Again.

The bartender dressed man was all ears. “If it can get rid of Izaya, I’m all for it.”

The waitress stared at her friend with an unsure look on her face. “Are you _absolutely sure_ you want to hear? Because the table you’re sitting at might end up getting imbedded in my head the moment you do.”

“Just tell me, dammit! How bad could it possibly be?” Shizuo demanded. Though to be honest, he was a little

Jasmine took a deep breath to steel herself as she mentally prepared for his upcoming reaction. “…When Izaya-kun comes to Ikebukuro to bother you again…flirt with him.”

“…”

“…”

“…JK-chan…you have better come up with a good explanation, otherwise I’m going to regret what I’m about to do to you.” The man growled out, the table he was clutching to in his anger snapped clean in half. Looks like they’ll have to replace that table.

“Think about it.” Jasmine quickly explained. “Izaya-kun always seeks you out to provoke you into attacking him. So the next time you see him, don’t give him what he wants. Instead you act the opposite of what he expects. That’ll throw him off.” It was a sound argument. Not only will the raven-haired troll be so unnerved that he’ll leave Shizuo alone for an undetermined amount of time, she’ll also get to see the look on his face when that happens.

“Let me put it this way: kill him with kindness?” She provided cheerfully. The petite witch wonders if Shizuo will appreciate a wizarding photo as compensation.

Dﾟ)##)彡

Orihara Izaya is back in Ikebukuro.

Spotting Shizuo and Tom talking to a client near a flower shop, he sauntered over to the two men.

“Shizu-chan~! Fancy meeting you here. How is my favorite monster doing?” The black-haired man cooed, knowing the sight of him will rile the other up.

Izaya expected Shizuo to lose his temper and come at him charging like a bull. Then he will lead the dyed-blond man on a merry chase all over the city. A few vending machines thrown here, some uprooted stop signs and street lights imbedded there. And if he plays his cards right, Shizuo would get hit by a truck. Again.

However, those plans were mercilessly shattered to pieces when the bartender-clad man turned towards him with a blissful aura. “Izaya-kun~. Long time, no see~.” The taller man greeted him happily. Wait… Happily? …Why the hell wasn’t Shizuo growling out his name in hatred? Why the hell wasn’t Shizuo glaring at him with deep-seated loathing?

“…”

“…”

“…”

What the actual f$%#?

“Hold on a second,” he said to the black-haired man’s still frozen form.

Shizuo turned around and selected one of the flower-shop’s pre-made rose bouquets, and then tossed his payment to the shell-shocked owner. With a flourish that would’ve made host clubs recruit him on the spot, Shizuo got down on bended knee and offered the flowers to the infobroker. “Here. These are for you~. I just wanted you to know that your existence is very important to me~. Thank you for everything, Izaya-kun~!”

The look on Izaya’s face was nothing short of _glorious_. Even Tom couldn’t resist taking out his phone and to capture the moment.

Dﾟ)##)彡

“BREAKING NEWS!!! Ikebukuro’s strongest man, Heiwajima Shizuo _completely broke_ underground information broker, Orihara Izaya!!!!!!”

“Did you hear?! Orihara Izaya is practically _brain-dead_ , thanks to Heiwajima Shizuo!”

“Dude, you wouldn’t believe what I just saw!!! Heiwajima Shizuo totally flirted with Orihara Izaya!!!”

“KYAAA~!! I _so_ knew they were into each other~!! It’s no wonder they fight all the time!! They’re like a _married couple_!”

“I KNOOOW~!!! I was there!! I even took pictures~! Look!!!! You can see that Shizuo-kun so wants to tap dat ass~!!! And the look on Izaya-kun’s face!! You can _so_ tell that he’s definitely turned on~!! He might as well scream, ‘SCREW ME RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, YOU BIG LUG’!!!”

“Somehow…that makes perfect sense. It explains why Orihara Izaya always picks a fight with Heiwajima Shizuo. The guy just wants to get laid! Their whole cat-and-mouse routine is all one big foreplay.”

Dﾟ)##)彡

Meanwhile, a certain witch stared at her smart phone screen in morbid fascination. “Oh. My. God… It’s everywhere.” The Russia Sushi waitress said as she checked the news on her magically powered phone. The whole thing is even _trending_!

Dennis looked at his female employee in concern. “JK-chan, you want to take day off?”

Jasmine slowly turned to look at the owner with dull green eyes and deadpanned, “…Can take the rest of the week off while I’m at it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in Ikebukuro, deep within Saburo’s van, one fujoshi by the name of Erika is squealing, “THANK YOU, KAMI-SAMA!!!! MY SKIN IS CLEAR, MY CROPS ARE WATERED, MY CHILDREN ARE FED!!!! BLESS THIS PAIRING!!!!!!”
> 
> BTW Jasmine was there. She heard from Shinra that Izaya was in town so she got out her invisibility cloak and followed Shizuo around hoping he’ll take her advice when Izaya comes to him. She was not disappointed. Side note, Jasmine was able to appease Shizuo by giving him moving pictures of Izaya’s face as a peace offering. They then made copies and passed them out to all their friends.
> 
> Izaya, on the other hand, refused to show his face in public for a whole month.


	7. Sixth Customer: Kyouhei, Saburo, Erika, and Walker (Second Course)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know while we’re still on the subject…is there a betting pool on this that I’m yet to be aware of? Because I want in on the action.” Jasmine inquired. There’s no way something as big as this hasn’t had anyone placing bets already. Then again, things like that are seem to be the norm in a city like Ikebukuro.
> 
> “Not that I know of.” Kyohei replied after thinking a little. Then he slyly added, “1000 yen that Shizuo finally turning Izaya into a blood spatter.”

Today was as calm and peaceful as you can get in Ikebukuro…until a certain waitress of Russia Sushi asked a particular question out of the blue. “Hey, Erika-chan, what’s the shipping name for Izaya-kun and Shizuo-kun?”

The female otaku blinked at the young witch. “Izuo, why?”

Jasmine hummed thoughtfully. “…What about for the other way around then? You know…if it’s Shizuo-kun that tops in the relationship.”

“If Shizuo is the seme and Izaya the uke, it’s called Shizaya.” Erika replied. Around her, Kyohei and the rest of his little group were all thinking the same thing. Where was she going with this?

The petite witch shrugged and replied casually like it’s no big deal. “I’m just wondering what I should call my little unforeseen attempt at matchmaking.”

Everyone in the sushi restaurant did a spittake and their heads snapped towards her so fast, Jasmine was pretty sure they’ve developed whiplash.

Erika was starry eyed. “Y-YOU???!!!” She gasped out reverently. “You’re the one who got Shizaya together???!!!”

The waitress’ lips twitched into a smile. “Meh, Let’s just say that I decided that Izuo was getting too dull and recommended Shizuo-kun to change things up by turning it around. While I didn’t expect for our little prank to go this far, but I suppose we can’t complain by what came out of it.”

Erika leaped from her seat and glomped Jasmine. “I don’t care if you’re a girl! Marry me, woman! My soulmate! My goddess!! My black-haired Krista-chan~! Where have you been all my life?!!”

Saburo fixed the petite woman a pointed look. “No offense, JK-chan, but… WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE SHIZUO FLIRT WITH IZAYA OF ALL PEOPLE?!! YOU’VE SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYED MY PERCEPTION OF REALITY!!!!” The man wailed dramatically.

“I’m sorry, but the more I keep seeing their fights the more I keep thinking there might be some unresolved sexual tension going on between them.” The waitress defended herself as she ignored the female otaku trying to snuggling her face into her chest.

“So they got to you.” Kyohei commented with a long-suffering look on his face.

“…Considering I’ve let myself become their cosplay doll, can you really blame me for being influenced by them?” The green-eyed witch deadpanned as she gestured to her current attire, which was the exact kimono that Kamazuki Suzuno from Hataraku Maou-sama wore. Erika and Walker even insisted she styled her hair in the same sideways ponytail to complete the look.

“You know while we’re still on the subject…is there a betting pool on this that I’m yet to be aware of? Because I want in on the action.” Jasmine inquired. There’s no way something as big as this hasn’t had anyone placing bets already. Then again, things like that are seem to be the norm in a city like Ikebukuro.

“Not that I know of.” Kyohei replied after thinking a little. Then he slyly added, “1000 yen that Shizuo finally turning Izaya into a blood spatter.”

Saburo scoffed at the man’s bet. “Predictable. 1500 on Izaya playing this whole back and forth with Shizuo indefinitely.”

“Free all-you-can-eat Russia Sushi on me for a month that they kiss and make up then eat sushi here. Then they be best friends forever.” Simon chimed in and nodded proudly like the outcome was already decided.

“3000 that they’ve been a couple all this time~!!!” Erika squealed gleefully.

“I’ll place 3500 with Kadota-san!” Walker exclaimed confidently.

“4500 with Togusa-san.” Dennis said with a confident smirk.

A wicked smile crossed Jasmine’s lovely face as she placed her bet. “100,000 yen………………on them getting drunk and having a one-night stand with each other by accident………………And it’s a reversible night for both of them~,” she said, purring the last sentence.

All the men in the room immediately started choking on food/drink/air/saliva and stared at the petite waitress in jaw-dropped horror. Erika, on the other hand, looked like she was mere seconds from ravaging the witch on the spot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a guess on who won the pool~ PS: it’s not Erika sadly.


	8. Seventh Customer: Masaomi, Mikado, and Anri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hmm. Let me think.” Jasmine replied with a thoughtful expression. “How about this? My bosses, Simon-san and Dennis-san, want some help coming up with new menu items to attract students. Do you think you can spare some time helping us out?”

“Hey guys, I’m up for some Russia Sushi. What do you think?” Mikado boldly suggested one day.

“…I don’t really mind.” Anri replied timidly.

“Definitely! Word on the street is that there’s a foreign beauty in town, and she’s working there as a kimono-wearing waitress. You can thank Walker and Erika for that.” Masaomi gushed with his usual dramatic flair.

“Uh…a foreign woman…working as a sushi restaurant waitress…in a kimono.” The dark haired boy said, unsure of what to think. This mind immediately conjured up a tall blond-haired blue eyed European woman speaking in broken Japanese like Simon while awkwardly wearing her kimono like a bathrobe over her casual wear.

Suddenly, Anri stopped walking and blinked. She turned to her fair-haired friend and said, “Um…Kida-kun. You said that the waitress is a woman in a kimono, right?”

The two boys stopped as well and turned to her. “Yeah, that’s what I’ve been hearing. Why?” Kida replied.

“Is that…her?” Their bespectacled friend pointed at a small figure just a few meters ahead of them.

Right across the street from where they were standing, a petite young woman dressed up like a miko, or shrine priestess, was passing out flyers for Russia Sushi. She had long curly black hair tied back in a low ponytail with a white ribbon and almond-shaped bright green eyes. While her facial features did suggest that she was obviously of European descent, if you weren’t looking at her carefully, you could easily mistake her as a local native. She was even speaking Japanese fluently as though she was born and raised in Tokyo all her life.

“Oh~! Has a beautiful princess from a faraway land appeared before me~?” Masaomi’s voice called out faintly.

Mikado jumped and turned to his childhood friend standing beside him only to find him missing. He turned to the woman they had been staring at and saw that the dyed-blond teen was in front of her and flirting with his usual exaggerated charm.

Anri and the black-haired teen hurried to catch up to their friend as the waitress blinked in confusion and replied, “Me? A princess?” The petite woman giggled then waved her hands in a gesture of denial. “No, no. I’m not anything like that. I’m just an ordinary Englishwoman nicknamed JK-chan who’s working as a sushi restaurant waitress.”

The teen almost pouted. “What a shame? I was so sure that with your doll-like beauty. I know! How about I make it up to you by buying you lunch? I can introduce you to my friends so all of us can get acquainted with each other.” The teen cheerfully offered as he swung and arm around Mikado and gestured to the chesty, glasses-wearing girl next to him.

“Hmm. Let me think.” Jasmine replied with a thoughtful expression. “How about this? My bosses, Simon-san and Dennis-san, want some help coming up with new menu items to attract students. Do you think you can spare some time helping us out?”

An awkward silence stretched between the three Raira students.

“Um…new…menu…items?” Mikado trailed off uncomfortably.

“…no offense, JK-chan, but I’d rather we pass up on being the guinea pigs…again.” Masaomi shuddered, remembering the last time Simon and Dennis struggled to come up with something that would bring in more students to their restaurant.

“…Is there something wrong?” The young witch frowned in concern.

“Um…This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. Well… L-Let’s just say that…the last time we tried, the food ended up becoming something other than a sushi restaurant.” Anri explained quietly.

“Looking back…remember the Russian tea sushi? That one was a disaster.” Mikado sighed, making his friends groan softly in agreement.

“I also remember the pirozhki sushi. It was a good idea but the sushi rice doesn’t really go well with the yeast dough at all.” The dyed-blond teen brought up, making the others all nod in agreement.

“I liked the beef stroganoff don, but… it’s too close to hayashi rice (hashed meat on rice). Besides…is it really something you can find in a sushi restaurant?” Anri pointed out as her friends let out a disappointed sigh. The idea was excellent. The food was delicious. But, unfortunately, it’s not something that belongs in a restaurant that serves sushi.

Jasmine sweatdropped a little. Granted most of her knowledge of Japanese cuisine was all second-handed, but even she could tell that that those recipes sounded disastrous. Maybe she should ask Simon, Dennis, and all her Japanese friends for cooking tips so she can take a crack at the recipes for herself.

Dﾟ)##)彡

“Yo~ JK-chan~ we’re back~!” Masaomi singsonged as he and his friends entered Russia Sushi.

“Oh, hey guys! I’ve been expecting you.” Jasmine greeted them amicably.

“So what do you say~? Are ready to go on a lunch date with yours truly? You didn’t say no last time~.” The teen said to her teasingly.

The young woman giggled at the teen’s antics. “Sorry, Kida-kun. Not today, thank you. But I did came up with some new recipes recently. Think you’re up for trying out my attempt at making sushi today?”

“Sounds great!” Masaomi chirped.

“I’m up for trying new things.” Mikado agreed.

“…If it’s not too much trouble.” Anri replied.

“Alrighty then. Wait about half an hour. Hopefully, these will go well.” Jasmine said as she headed towards the counter area. “Simon-san! Dennis-san! Can I borrow the kitchen for a little bit? I want to try out _those_ recipes.”

“Sure! Go right ahead, JK-chan. Help yourself.” Simon replied as he and the other Russian got out of the kitchen area to give the young witch her space.

Dﾟ)##)彡

“Now…I don’t know if these taste good to you guys, but I figured they’re worth a shot.” Jasmine said as she brought out the first tray containing three bowls.

“There are three recipes I’ve came up with. The first is what I call Russian chazuke (tea on rice). Since black tea is pretty strong, I deliberately used bland or mild-flavored toppings so the taste of the tea doesn’t become too overbearing. I also included some of my homemade ume (Japanese fruit related to apricots or plums) jam on the side so you can add it to the rice and tea.”

“Hmm, it’s not bad… but… you’re right. The tea is too strong. Even with the toppings.” The black-haired Raira student criticized politely.

“How about… instead of chazuke… maybe just serve the tea with the jam on the side?” Anri suggested. Jasmine’s ume jam was excellent, especially with the tea. She figured the customers would love to drink tea the Russian way like this if it’s served like that.

“That idea does sound much better.” The lighter-haired boy agreed. The chazuke may be a failure, but the jam was excellent.

The petite waitress then went back to the kitchen and came back with another tray of food. This time it contained dishes with four pieces of sushi on them. “Next up is a different version of the pirozhki sushi that Kida-kun mentioned the other day. I remembered you saying that the sushi rice and dough didn’t go very well together so I avoided using sushi rice in favor of just plain rice. After I cut them in half, I used unagi (grilled freshwater eel) and tempura as the toppings.”

“So by cutting them in half, you imitated the concept in inarizushi (fried tofu pouch stuffed with sushi rice). Pirozhki inarizushi?” Mikado accurately guessed as he stared down the sushi in amazement.

“You’ve also made them really small. They’re kind of cute.” Anri picked one up with her chopsticks to examine them. The dumplings were only big enough to fit into the palm of your hands. This would make it easy to pick up with chopsticks or with your fingers. Definitely sushi restaurant worthy.

“If Anri-chan thinks so, then these will be a huge hit with the girls.” Masaomi chimed in as he popped a tempura filled one in his mouth. The crispy texture of the dough and tempura was a bit of an overkill to his tastes, but he did enjoy the unagi topped pirozhki. It was like eating a bite of a donburi with these.

“And finally, we have ukha, a clear Russian soup made using various types of fish. Japanese style of course. I used the concept for miso soup and applied it to the ukha. I figured this will go well with the Russian themed dishes I came up with.” Jasmine explained as she placed a bowl of soup in front of each of them.

“This goes perfectly well in a sushi restaurant.” Mikado complimented. He recognized that all the ingredients the waitress used to make the soup were everything that can be found in Russia sushi.

“Ryugamine-kun is right. This is a perfect marriage between Russia and Japan.” The bespectacled girl praised as she continued eating the soup. Not only is it easy to eat, but it can fill up a hungry teenager quickly.

“10 out 10! No, 15! JK-chan~ I want to eat your cooking for the rest of my life~! Marry me oh Yamato nadeshiko~!” The dyed-blond Raira student gushed.

Days after that, Russia Sushi had a surge of new customers, most of them students eager to try out new things to fill up their stomachs. Turns out, the waitress’ newly created menu items were a huge hit with people.

As for Jasmine… she finally had enough and put her foot down when Erika and Walker tried to put her in a Tadokoro Megumi cosplay and publically declare her as the real-life Shokugeki no Soma’s “Zashiki-warashi” of sushi.

She can tolerate cosplaying, but if you want her to draw attention to herself then you can go to hell for all she cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by Minidura Chapter 10. Please join me in blessing these adorable chibis~
> 
> Jasmine’s recipes: Just to be clear… I have very little cooking ability. In fact, I’m not even sure if these are edible in the first place. All I did was look them up and compare then see how my imagination can change things up to suit what Jasmine might be going for……………Yeah, I’m not too confident on my ability to be creative sometimes.


	9. Special Chapter: Welcome to the Club!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanashi has entered the chat room.

One day, Jasmine received an email from Izaya. On one hand, she could delete it since anything from that troll couldn’t be good. On the other hand, she might as well open it up and see what the info broker wants. For all she knew, it could contain some important information that might affect her at some point.

After a several minutes of heavy thinking, she slowly moved her cursor onto the email and clicked.

Dﾟ)##)彡

[Taro Tanaka] Hello, how is everyone lately?

[Setton] Nothing much. Same old. Same old.

[Setton] Oh! But I did make a new friend.

[Taro Tanaka] Really? So did I.

[Setton] She played a hilarious prank that lasted for a whole month.

_Nanashi has entered the chat room._

[Nanashi] Good evening, everyone!

[Setton] Welcome, are you new?

[Nanashi] Yes.

[Nanashi] Please take good care of me.

_Kanra has entered the chat room._

[Kanra] Oh, what’s this?

[Kanra] Is this a new face I see? Welcome!

[Nanashi] Thank you so much~!

[Nanashi] You know, when Kanra-san gave me this IP address. I thought it would be a link to something creepy.

[Nanashi] But thank all that is holy that my gut was wrong! \\( ^o^ )/

[Kanra] Mou~ I’m actually hurt, Nanashi-san.

[Kanra] But enough about me.

[Kanra] I’ve been hearing that there’s a rumor about a special betting pool going on.

[Taro Tanaka] A betting pool?

[Setton] On what?

[Kanra] On what’s going to happen on the final confrontation between Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo.

[Nanashi] Oh yeah. That…

[Nanashi] Just out of curiosity. What’s the current amount?

[Kanra] Prepare yourself.

[Kanra] IT’S ALMOST 2,000,000 YEN~!!!!!! KYAAAA~

[Taro Tanaka] HUH?!

[Setton] HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! THINK OF WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH ALL OF THAT!!

[Nanashi] This might come as a shock but…

[Nanashi] I‘ve contributed a quarter of that.

[Taro Tanaka] W-what?!!!!!

[Setton] Huuuuh…

[Nanashi] It was originally 100,000, but as time went on, I’ve increased my bet.

[Setton] So does that mean that you put in 500,000 yen! That’s insane!

[Kanra] I’ve also place a bet as well!

[Kanra] I bet 250,000 that Orihara Izaya will be the one to come out on top.

[Taro Tanaka] Is that so…

[Taro Tanaka] What about you, Nanashi-san? What did you bet?

[Nanashi] …

[Setton] Nanashi-san?

[Nanashi] …I bet…

[Kanra] What? What? What is it?

[Nanashi] …

[Taro Tanaka] If you don’t want to talk about it, then you don’t have to force yourself.

[Nanashi] …

[Nanashi] I bet that Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya will have a drunken one night stand with each other~! XD TROLOLOL Bye bye~

_Nanashi has signed out._

[Kanra] WN7CTJSFHWUXPZ42Z

[Taro Tanaka] WHHHAAAAT THEEEE HHHEEEELLL??!!

[Setton] HUUUUUUUHHHHH????!!!

[Kanra] NANASHI!!!! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!! GET BACK IN THE CHAT YOU COWARD!!!!

[Kanra] (Your message has been blocked for inappropriate language)

[Kanra] (Your message has been blocked for inappropriate language)

[Kanra] (Your message has been blocked for inappropriate language)

[Kanra] (Your message has been blocked for inappropriate language)

[Taro Tanaka] Oh…wow. Kanra-san is really going at it.

[Setton] I’m kind of afraid for Nanashi-san now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Jasmine is now a member of the Dollars and the betting pool makes a reappearance~
> 
> Nanashi: It’s a name given to orphans. It literally means “nameless” or “no-name”. I figured someone like Jasmine who hates being in the spotlight would get a kick out of being a part of one of the many unknown faces of the Dollars. Also, someone like her, whose name is practically known throughout the entire international wizarding community, would definitely thrive on becoming practically anonymous.


	10. Eighth Customer: Shinra and Celty (Second Course)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Planning for the future and world building creative liberty...nuff said

One day, Ikebukuro’s oddest couple stopped by Russia Sushi to announce their recent engagement to their new friend.

“You’re getting married!! Congratulations!” Jasmine squealed happily.

Shinra chuckled bashfully. “We’re still working out all the details but it’s not like we’re in too much hurry to get hitched.”

[I was hoping to ask you if you’d like to be my bridesmaid alongside Anri-chan.] Celty typed out to one of her close female friends.

Needless to say, Jasmine is completely over the moon with the idea. She absolutely LOVED weddings~! Ever since she had attended Bill and Fleur’s, she found out she had an appreciation of the ceremony uniting two people she knew in holy matrimony. From then on, she made it her mission not to miss any of her friends getting married. In fact, after Ron and Hermione’s marriage, she immediately honed in on Neville and Luna for details of their vow-renewal ceremony. (The couple had actually eloped shortly after the war, much to Augustus Longbottom’s disappointment.)

“Speaking of the future. This might be a little too soon, but have you ever thought about children just yet?” The Russia sushi waitress innocently inquired, deciding to change the subject.

The mismatched couple looked at the young woman in confusion. “What mean by that? Celty can’t have children…can she?” Shinra asked with a small frown. If he remembered correctly, his father confirmed that Celty’s body is like that of an anatomical doll. Sure, she has all the necessary parts that make her female, but just like the rest of her organs, they don’t function beyond just being there.

“Oh right, I forgot you that you don’t know. Technically, she _can_ have children. It’s just that the process is a bit more complicated then the *ahem* normal means.” Jasmine explained before continuing. “If I remember correctly, during the wedding between a Dullahan and their chosen partner, they perform a ritual that kickstarts the Dullahan’s reproductive organs. After that, a quick potion for the spouse and then the wedding night will take care of the rest. Finally, 9 months later, BOOM! Congrats to the happy couple!! They are now parents to a Dullahan baby. The downside to the ritual…it only works once in a Dullahan’s long lifetime. So if you want multiple children then you can either hope that multiples were conceived in that one shot or adopt.”

Celty’s fingers rapidly typed out, [Can you tell me how to do the ritual?] The headless woman may love her fiancée with all her heart, but even she knows that they only have so much time together. After all, her lifespan is far longer than Shinra’s. Perhaps having a product of their relationship will allow her human lover to live on indefinitely through their descendents, long after his body returns into the earth.

However, the witch shook her head in negative, causing the couple to immediately feel disheartened until her next explanation. Turns out, the full details of the ritual are kept secret and are only known to mature members of the Dullahan clans. The only reason people even knew about how their children came to be is through their respective spouses. Apparently, the ritual itself was too complex for the human mind to comprehend, and it’s not like it the Dullahans allow it to last very long for Unspeakables to analyze and figure out how it works.

Given Celty’s amnesia, they would have to travel to her homeland, Ireland, and search for one of her clan members to help her perform the ritual for her and Shinra. Given Celty’s physical age, it’s estimated that she’s relatively young even for a Dullahan, therefore, less likely to have taken a mate prior to meeting Shinra. Not to mention, the underground doctor can vouch for her untouched womb for her “motherhood virginity”. So there’s a pretty good chance that Celty can successfully have Shinra’s child when she wants to.

“Ah, well, we can discuss this more in depth after we actually get married. Besides, with or without kids, so long as I have my Celty by my side, that’s all I’ll ever need to be happy in life. I imagine anyone who’s ever truly been in love can agree with me.” The underground doctor said, looking at his Celty with a warm, soft look in his eyes.

Feeling emotionally touched by his words, the Dullahan’s neck stump let out a heart-shaped smoke cloud as she leaned into her fiancée’s side, allowing Shinra to wrap his arm around her affectionately.

“Oh! I almost forgot!” The waitress exclaimed. “Speaking of children…if you like to have more but can’t, I could give you a copy of instructions for a blood adoption ritual. It requires the adoptee to take in the blood of the adopter or adopters. It doesn’t make the children you adopt truly yours, but they will at least become related to you. Think of it as my wedding gift to you two once you finally tie the knot.”

The ritual was something Jasmine had stumbled upon while going through the Black library. During the Medieval Ages, it was widely used to integrate muggleborns into wizarding families to bolster the number of wizards and save dying family lines in time period where mortality rates were very high. As the Wizarding World got more and more stagnant and isolated, the practice fell out of favor and was largely forgotten until Jasmine inherited one of the few remaining copies of the ritual left untouched by the Witch Hunts.

For a while, the couple was stunned silent by the recent revelation until Shinra finally turned to his fiancée and said with a glint in his eyes and an unreadable expression on his face, “…Celty, we are making JK-chan the godmother of our future children.”

The ultra serious tone in his voice indicated that he was not taking “no” for an answer. Because goddammit, he wants an army of his beloved Celty’s children to spoil~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been on a Durarara binge-watching spree and document every single honorific use and canon trivia facts. Oh, the lengths I will go to stick to the canon material as closely as I can get for my stories~
> 
> I decided to go for the blood adoption HP!fanfiction trope to give this lovely couple an improved happy ending. I recently found out in the anime that Celty doesn’t have a heart, her organs don’t even function, and her blood doesn’t course through her veins. Using this, I took creative liberty on how Dullahans are able to reproduce their numbers and keep their species alive. I figured Celty at least deserves to have more options for her future with Shinra after everything she’s been through. Shinra may be totally obsessed with Celty, but frankly, she could do worst. (Like Izaya and her head. Still a better love story than Twilight, amirite?) v(｡･ω･｡)


	11. Ninth Customer: Seiji, Mika, and Namie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course these people would make her uncomfortable as fuck.

Ikebukuro is a hub where many unusual people gather. From an infobroker with too much time on his hands to urban legends afraid of extraterrestrials of all things, it’s safe to say that the city has its fair share of the weird and supernatural.

Under normal circumstances, Jasmine tends to roll with whatever or whoever that comes up.

Two intimidating Russian guys running a sushi restaurant? They’re her bosses!

Ikebukuro’s strongest man? Practically her best friend in this city.

That annoying infobroker who’s clearly sexually frustrated for a certain bartender-dressed man? The less that could be said the better.

The Black Rider urban legend? They regularly have a girl’s night out every now and then.

Color gangs? Does being a member of the Dollars even count?

Yakuza? While she was visiting Celty, Haruya Shiki got hooked onto her baked goods when he came to Shinra’s apartment for a job.

However, there are some people in Ikebukuro that just made her want to run the other direction.

The first thing that Jasmine noticed about Yagiri Seiji and Harima Mika are that they are an unusual couple. It wasn’t the fact that the girl looked like her head was completely different from the rest of her body. For some reason, the aura around the two made her hair stand up on end, but for the life of her Jasmine couldn’t explain why they seem so eerily familiar despite never even meeting them before.

Then she got the whole story from Mikado and his friends.

A yandere and a stalker. It’s no wonder she’s so unnerved by those two.

She moved away from England to get away from her rabid stalkers and her last romantic relationship failed horribly because her boyfriend at the time had broke into her flat and tried to carve out her heart with her own kitchen knife in a deluded attempt to “keep The-Woman-Who-Conquered all to himself”.

Jasmine shuddered on how their children will be like if they ever get that far into their relationship. For a while, the Russia Sushi waitress thought that after meeting Seiji and Mika that there can’t possibly anyone worse than those two.

Enter Yagiri Namie. Jasmine will hold a one hell of a grudge against her bosses for leaving her to deal with the woman after she’s had one bottle of sake too many.

“That bitch doesn’t deserve Seiji! I’m the only woman Seiji will ever need in his life! The sooner he gets tired of that whore, the sooner I can finally make my move! Oh~ it’ll be glorious~! First Seiji’ll come straight to my apartment and apologize in his deep, husky voice how wrong he’s been. Then Seiji’ll take me into his strong arms and lean in to-”

Jasmine could only helplessly stare at her in horror as the drunk older sister of Seiji continued to an obsessively rant and go into graphic details about her little brother. Dear Merlin, this woman was even worse than all the inbred purebloods back home. The petite woman thought she had left that bullshit behind after moving, but clearly she was wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this one-shot to xenocanaan, whose review had inspired me to create this masterpiece. Consider this my gift to you~
> 
> Before I forget, allow me to thank all the readers who’ve liked my stories. I appreciate every single comment, bookmark, and kudos. Your support matters a lot to me〜〜( ﾉ￣U￣) ﾉ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*


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